i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
