I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
