I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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