Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
wanna go halves on a baby?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
