Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
