I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
