halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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