no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
