it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
