I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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