My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
