he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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