Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
