We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
