What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
