His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
