I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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