I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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