I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
