So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize