I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
