we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
