dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
