idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
