Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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