There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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