I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
