my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
