I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
