dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
