I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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