Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
