Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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