my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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