got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he thought i was a dude.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
