I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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