Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
