Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
