I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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