there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
