Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
