i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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