Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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