Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we're making bets on your personal life
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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