Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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