your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
