he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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