Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
