TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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