mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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