im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
