I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
