can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
