I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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