John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
