I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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